My name is Elaine. I’m an assistant in the body of workers for the Lord, and I would like to share a little of what recently happened in my life.
From the moment I became an assistant, I served God in fear and with much dedication, but a few years ago, I began losing myself in His work and at home. Problems began to surge in my family and my financial life, causing me much embarrassment as an assistant. Due to this, I began looking at my problems more than trusting in God. That’s how it started and I allowed doubt to settle in my heart.
It's exactly how we’re taught in church: "If you’ve conquered everything by faith, you can lose it all by doubting."
I allowed evil thoughts to invade my mind and eventually they took over. I started thinking that I didn’t have the Holy Spirit and that’s when my mind became totally contaminated. I accepted the impure thoughts that ran through my mind. I, someone who always had a pure heart and mind, began having horrible thoughts. Thoughts of everything in this world and beyond that were far from the discipline of God raced through my mind, like thoughts of promiscuity, homosexuality, doubts about campaigns of faith and much more.
I hadn’t done anything wrong. I actually didn’t want things to be the way they were. Deep within myself I loathed all of these things but I was like an erupting volcano. I was confused and didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t find a way out (the thought of death passed through my mind several times) because I allowed myself to be contaminated and my "outer woman” became corrupt. I was unable to overcome those thoughts that dominated me and I could no longer put on my uniform. My heart was in terrible pain, all I did was cry. I couldn’t handle the daily torment of so many awful and impure thoughts. When I tried praying, getting up from that spiritual weakness and starting over, I was unable to. I felt accused, overwhelmed and found myself unable to react.
I was like the parable of the lost coin (Luke 15:8). I didn’t leave God’s Work and I hadn’t committed any sins, but I was confused to the point of considering giving everything up.
At this point all that was left for me to do was seek out the bishop of my church for help. I couldn’t take it anymore. The day I went to ask for help, I was willing to do anything to raise myself back up. I didn’t think about my losing my uniform, I didn’t think about the embarrassment I would have to face, I didn’t think about how many years I had been an assistant; I just opened my heart. The bishop, like a father, was used by God to guide me.
Through him, I learned that there are battles which we must overcome on our own, but there are others that, when we are unable to overcome them on our own, we must ask for help, confess and trust in the men of God that are on the altar.
We may appear to lose everything; have to give up a title in the church and have people treat us differently, but we must never allow ourselves to lose our SALVATION, up until the end.
Posted by: Bishop Edir Macedo